This Is Me – A Whole Bunch of Feelings

I often speak about being vulnerable and the beauty of it. How no one can really hurt you when you allow yourself to be vulnerable because you’ve already put all your cards on the table, on your terms. At that point because you’ve already given all you can give, no one can take anything away from you.

I often speak of it, but when it comes to my own little reality I seldom practice it. One of my biggest fears is letting people I care about a lot, people I admire look down at me. This has lead to me keeping so much locked up inside which then leads to me having random inappropriate out bursts. It’s a well known fact how I don’t think before I speak, but these days when it comes to people I care about sometimes it’s difficult for me to comprehend the words that are coming out of my mouth.

It’s because I care so much about what these people think, and I don’t want to upset them. I wouldn’t dare. This again is as a result of the fact that in the past in situations where I have let myself be vulnerable this has lead to the people I imagined “cared” about me becoming less and less active in my life.

What I’m learning about in this current stage in my life it takes great strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but it doesn’t end there. You have to partner it with restraint and communication. Just because you have just dumped a bunch of feelings on someone doesn’t allow you to be irrational about their response; people are different, some require more time to process while others don’t. Another thing that can affect how someone responds is the way and the time you tell them. You have to restrain yourself from saying or doing things that will make you vulnerable while someone has other shit going on, timing is everything. Lastly communication. With being vulnerable you have to let whoever know what your expectations are so that you don’t get disappointed and crash your car into a tree over-thinking shit.

I still believe that with vulnerability comes beauty but I’m learning that you need to add a bit of make-up before it can be perfect. 


From One Bitch To Another.

Over the years women who have climbed to the top of their fields and subsequently been in the spotlight because of it have had to work twice as hard and sacrifice twice as much as men. And worse still they have had to face a lot more criticism while doing it. 

If they are not called “a power-hungry bitch” then they are being called “a pussy who lets her emotions get in the way of business.” It really is Bullshit. Simply because women have to chose which insult they like the most. And still probably the worst thing about this whole thing is that majority of the time the women are the ones who are spitting out this venom. But that’s a story for another day. 

One woman who has stood out for me is Madam Secretary Madeleine Albright. So so so so so many things have been said about her over the years, and for a long time I agreed with them. But until literally this morning it never occurred to me that she was a woman just like me who had feelings, more so just like me because she was ambitious and unlike most men these days she had balls. She said and things which many people wouldn’t dare allow to creep up as a thought! She was the first female Secretary of State paving the way for other “bitches” such as Hillary Clinton and Condeleeza Rice. That cannot be taken away from her. Not to be added to the list of women who doesn’t support other women but lets just say she didn’t get where she was in life by opening her legs.

It really bothers me to see Women today relying fully on their sexuality to take them places and then complaining that men are the ones who take advantage of us. We make it way to easy for them.

But this post is not about what is wrong with the female species, it is about the boss-ness of Madam Secretary. I can openly state that I do not agree with most of the decisions she made but that does not mean that I can’t admire her for making them, or more so achieving all that she achieved.  The point I’m trying to make here is that Madeleine Albright should not be admired for the work that she did or the decisions that she made but solely because she is a woman who made it to the top. 

Thank you Madam Secretary for being so Awesome!! 

Musings of A Single Girl In A Relationship: Healing From Heartbreak

People know I’m in a serious relationship and after my last post (, many asked why? Why the tittle? The boyfriend didn’t though. 

Should I be worried??


The reason behind this title is because of the fact that for so long due to long list of reasons I was always looking for that something better. When this relationship became serious, I held on to some of my characteristics that defined me as a singleton. That is mainly that I am still my own independent person and that under ZERO circumstances should I let my relationship define me or any other aspect of my life. This is a major mistake that people make when entering into a serious relationship; I am totally guilty of this in my past….whatever that was. I personally now believe there should be a fine line between loving someone or making them a priority and loving said person more than yourself or making them your whole life.

But I digress….

After going through all the pain of giving yourself to another human being so completely especially for the first time and having all of that returned to sender with a big fat label “worthless” on top of it, how do you get from there to where I am now?

After I finally accepted that it was over I put myself out there! I was ready to give any guy who has interested five minutes of my time hoping, secretly praying that this one or the next one would somehow heel me and make all the pain from that worthless label disappear. I was that girl who was at every party, every social event always with a drink in my hand; hoping to seem approachable enough to attract someone who might be the cure to all my hurt.


Because of this new “attitude” that I had adopted I ended up doing one or two things that I regretted; I end up letting in some more assholes that were not interested in healing anything and were simply looking for a quick lay; I ended up leading genuinely interested good guys on (the worst thing a woman can ever do!). The problem was that I was trying to replace this person who had hurt me with someone else. The truth is once you truly love someone that person is irreplaceable. They take a piece of you with them when they leave. Imagine yourself as a big cake. Imagine this person cuts a piece and takes off. You can’t go find another bakery to reinstate that piece. It’s gone.

This is why people are always comparing their current relationships to their former ones. Fact is they will never be the same. When you’ve experienced so many things with one person, shared so many memories you cannot expect someone new to even attempt to compete with that the minute you start dating.

But there is a positive side! 🙂 

You now consciously know that when you are with one person and you are still thinking about someone else or comparing the two, you are not quite there yet. Once I realized that I will never be able to replace this person I stopped trying. I started using my head when it came to deciding who I should or should not go on a date with. I started differentiating those who had a genuine interest in me and those who had a genuine interest in the sacred temple that is between my legs. And from there I was easily able to tell who was the right person to make myself vulnerable to and when.

That is how I am, where I am in my relationship.

Clap for me! I didn’t use Scandal to make a point!! 

I’m With You Sister!!

Dear Keithi Kilonzo,

I would first like to Thank you.  Thank you for showing all women all over the country that the fact that you have a vagina puts you at a disadvantage. The whole country opened their hearts to you regardless of their political affiliation; you were not asking for justice, you were demanding it. Secondly I would like to extend my deepest sympathies. For the loss of your father and for the bittersweet bite you must have experienced while watching your brother win the Makueni Senator seat.

I say bittersweet because although he is blood, and you are undoubtedly happy for him I know that deep down inside you wish that that could have been you. From a person who has followed Kenyan politics ever since I had the ability to critically think and analyze I understand why you thought you could get away with it. People in government have literally gotten away with murder, what is the harm in a little voter fraud? At the end of the day your competitor from Jubilee was also trying to stand in the by-election even though he was in direct violation of the law (constitution states that you have to be a member of a political party that you are contesting a seat with for more than three months prior to the election – Professor Kaloki stood on the Wiper ticket on March 4th but contested the by-election on a NARC ticket), why should he be cleared while you are barred? Because you are a woman? Because you are Kilonzo’s daughter? Because you are a CORD candidate? Whatever the reason the High Court ruled that you would not be allowed to stand.

Let me offer some completely unsolicited words for wisdom that my father has said to me many a time “good for you.” Because of what happened to you, you will learn, people who look up to you will also learn.  I myself have learnt from your experiences and I am applying those lessons in my everyday life as we speak. You should not steep to the level of those very men you are trying to defeat. You should show them practically that you are of a higher moral standing, very highly educated, well mannered and simply you have common sense. You are different, do not fade into the rotten crowd of all men that you are rolling with. YOU ARE DIFFERENT! Look at your accomplishments: representing Moi and winning, going to the East African Court of Justice and winning against the government of Kenya, you’re academic achievements etc the list goes on. By definition you are different. You have accomplished so much in such a little time and you are just getting started. Those men fear you, the ones in your crew and the ones in government. BY all means necessary do not give them a reason not to. Leave them trembling in their boots. 

Take the next five years to ensure that all your papers are in check, everything you need is in place and you have a team of quite serious HONEST hard working professionals behind you.

Take the next five years to travel the country still accomplishing things that a small would-be blogger from Nairobi only dreams about.

Take the next five years to inspire others to do unimaginable things. 

Most importantly take the next five years to show Kenyans, to show the ruling government, to show the world that Keithi Kilonzo is force to be re-conned with, and she is not going anywhere. 

Keithi please understand that since the death of Tom Mboya in 1969 and the death of J.M Karuiki in 1975, this country has not seen anyone who is so well versed with the laws of the land, the needs and wants of the people and someone who cuts across all ethnic and tribal lines drawn by our “leaders.” This country cannot afford to let you slip into political oblivion. We just cannot afford it. So many people stood by you as you fought to stand in the by-election, stand by us and help us demand for our rights and freedoms. 

Yours Truly,

Leyla Ismaily.  

Musings of A Single Girl in A Relationship: Love is Simple

“I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love.”

Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington “Scandal”)

The most important thing that I’ve learnt from being in a healthy relationship is that this quote right here, is a big fat lie. Love is simple. At the end of the day, it is only a four letter word. You can still have the I-missed-you-all-day-even-though-I-saw-you-in-the-morning kind of sex, the passionate-wild-animal sex, and yet still the I-love-you-more-than-anything in the world sex. But it’s not just about the sex; it’s also about the emotions. Who in this world honestly enjoys things that are difficult, or devastating, or painful?? Who in this world wants to be angry, upset and depressed all the time because of the one that they love? Isn’t that completely contradictory to everything love stands for??

I don’t dispute that “devastating love” does exist, as I have firsthand experience.  This allows me to confidently say, that this love never lasts. One person cannot live through those negative feelings continuously. It’s just not humanly possible. In addition this love is often just a figment of our imagination. Despite all of the negative feelings that someone will go through during this devastating love, they will hold on as long as they can because they believe eventually it will amount for something. The sad truth is, once you go through all those negative emotions that something that you are hoping and praying for never comes. The negative emotions become part and parcel of the relationship. Who would want to be in a relationship with a black shadow cast on it? It just doesn’t make sense.

Love is simple in the sense that the person you love should be your best friend. They should be the person you run to in times of need; the first person you want to share good news with, love should not be complicated. Real love, is exactly that it’s real. It happens every day. It’s holding hands at the supermarket, spending a quiet night in watching a movie, crying on the phone about how big of an asshole your boss is. It’s not crying on the phone to your girlfriends about how big of a dick your boyfriend is, or waiting for him outside his place to see if he’s coming home with another girl, or going through his messages to see if he’s cheating.

Love is life-changing true because your life isn’t the same once that person cements themselves as a pillar of positivity in your life. They change the way you think, the way you act. Unintentionally, but still, you want to be the person you think is worthy of their love. That makes sense.

Love is life-changing, love is simple.


The Side-Chick Story

The Side-Chick Story

Do you remember at the end of the season finale for Scandal how Olivia turns the President down, and how he returns to his wife and Olivia proceeds to go running with her hair tied back looking all boss and shit?? That is such a fallacy.


In real life, the guy will NEVER leave his wife for the side-chick. It just doesn’t happen and when it does, that is the exception.



So how exactly does the side-chick come to be? How does the situation arise? 3 things:

  • The Man who everyone knows is unavailable hooks up with the side-chick.
  • The Side-chick allows this to become a regular thing.
  • The Wife of the said unavailable man, against her better judgement allows this to continue.

It’s shocking, I know.

Let’s start with Mr. Unavailable. One thing I just can’t take away from this guy is that he loves his girlfriend. In his own sick and twisted way, he really loves her. And when only one regular side-chick is involved, he also feels something for her, whether it is strictly located in his trouser section or if it be pity. But there definitely feelings involved. Many people often wonder HOW? If he truly loves his girlfriend then why does he need to go and dip his stick into someone else? This is something that only a man, or specifically the man in question can answer. It may because he had too much to drink that one time and then it becomes a regular thing, because of the thrill of feeling someone else’s skin against his. Or because of the fact that he likes the side-chick, has always had a thing for her but then he doesn’t see her as “wifey” material. There is a whole list of reasons.

Then there is the Wife in question. If she ever does find out about the side-chick she immediately plays the victim. Lashing out at the man and calling the side chick all sorts of names. But she had a part to play. Ladies let’s not lie to ourselves, we all know our men in and out. We know their routine and in some cases lack of routine. It is in our feminine chemical structure to notice when something is amiss.  When your man finds himself a side-chick you know but you pretend to go about life like butterflies and daisies. Why? Because you love him and you don’t want to believe that he could do something like that to you. Secondly, it could mean possible failure on your part, you weren’t fulfilling your job description so he has resulted to out sourcing. But somewhere deep downside the main chick always knows about the side chick.

Lastly there is the side chick, my personal favourite. J In some cases all that is said about her is true. She is a vindictive bitch who only wants to go about town wrecking homes. In majority cases she truly has feelings for Mr. Unavailable and she just wants to be with him. At all costs, even if that means sharing him with some conceited bitch that doesn’t deserve him. Mr. Unavailable in true male fashion takes advantage of these feelings and gets his dick’s worth. In some cases the side-chick is the victim. At the end of the day when the wife finds out about the side chick and gets mad at Mr. Unavailable, she’ll eventually take him back. The side-chick will be left all alone, with only memories. I guess at the end of the day – SHAME ON HER- she should have known better because she was fully aware Mr. Unavailable was unavailable but she continued to give him her body.

In all cases, sometimes you just can’t help how you feel. 

Ladies, Shame on You!




These are all beautiful ladies. 

That is there job, to bring us the news. But these days the news has taken on a new form. Instead of focusing on the content people are staying loyal to news channels based on which beautiful lady is delivering it.  What is wrong with our society?

Kenyan citizens have never been allowed to be so politically engaged then they are now. Nothing should come between Kenyans and their right to information. Not that I am saying that these ladies are distorting the content, but I think it has just become too much. Once Citizen hired Janet Mbugua it was rumoured that her starting salary was 850,000 /= this is exclusive of benefits. Further rumours were circulating that Julie Gichuru then threatened to quit because of this. My point is too much attention is being paid on who is delivering the news instead of the content. Nothing, no one should be a distraction to us getting the news.

The other day I was watching the KISS TV news and the male anchor was seated behind a podium while the lady stood in front of a screen; where the camera had a full view of her amazing figure; in a dress that I would never wear in front of my mother, let alone my father. And Citizen and KTN are just as bad making the women trounce around the studio like they are on the catwalk. These local stations are sexually exploiting their female news anchors for ratings and worse still these female anchors know what it going on and they are allowing it. Hell, they are even using it to their advantage.  One would think that Lulu Hassan because of her Muslim beliefs would be an exception but nope, she is right there with them swinging those hips like she was in bongo video.

A lot of you reading this will think that I am just jealous, but honestly I’m more embarrassed for these ladies than anything else. When they grow old and look back on their lives as news anchors they will be so ashamed of the degree to which they were sexualized.

Some may also say that as women in today’s world especially in Kenyan society that it’s the only way that women can stay ahead but what is more important, garnering the highest ratings or having some integrity? As women who other women look to as role models, especially young women it shouldn’t have to be a choice. Maintaining your integrity as a woman should never be optional. Especially now when stories such as university girls selling their bodies for flat screen TV’s and women having sexual relations with animals are on the rise.


It is possible to maintain integrity and still move forward in your career. Look at Catherine Kasavuli, Beatrice Marshall, Zein Verjee and Christine Amanpour!!  All these women climbed up the media ladder by utilizing their brains and not their hips. I think it’s time that the current news anchors do the same.