Wide Awake!!

I am not a happer sailer today. In any sense.

Not that anything special happened. I just in the practical sense “woke up.”

A very very very long time ago I was with some guy. I loved him. Very much. Even saying very much doesnt begin to describe the way i felt about him. He didnt exactly cheat on me. Asin he had a girlfriend that everyone knew about while i was the one he would go and see at night – read at the back of the bus and neighbourhood roads – when no was looking. I’m not going to go into details of how exactly all this happened, or why it happened or any of that nonsense. Maybe some other day.
I came here to ask him and any other man that has/is cheating on their significant others WHY? Like do you realize what the fuck you are doing? Not that I am not over this guy, (despite what some of you think), I am. I wish him and his girlfriend especially the girlfriend the best in life. It’s just that to this day i am shit at relationships. Complete shit. The guy always leaves me because i dont put enough work into the relationship or because i dont know how not to act single; because for so long that was my mentality. I was constantly looking for the ever so elusive “something better” that is has just become etched into my approach towards relationships.. As hard as that is to admit, facts are facts.

This is what makes me mad. Because even though I am not the same person i was at the time of the spoken event and i have no feelings for this guy, i still havent fully gotten over it – clearly. Everytime i feel myslef actually giving a fuck about some guy i go runng for the hills like i have been told Al-Shabab is in the area. I am partly mad at myslef for allowing this to happen time and time again but its like shit is just fucking sub-conscious. I find myslef making up stupid excuses as to why i should hold back or engaging in things with other men that i very well know that my boyfriend will not approve of. Why? Because i dont want it to become all to real. I cant handle it. I cant go through what i went through all over again. I know that not all guys are like this one guy, i have had the honour of meeting wonderful wonderful men who want nothing more then to make me happy. But still something inside me tells me no.

All the while this guy is living his life like there is no tomorrow and i am sorry to sound like a concieted girl in high school but SHIT IS NOT FAIR!! Why does he get away with nothing while i could possibly be alone for the rest of my life??? Why does he get to love so openly with no restrictions or limitations that I have to deal with everytime i have that “i actually like this guy” moment?

At the end of the day I guess nothing can be done to even it out. I wouldnt wish this on him. He shouldnt be punished for mistakes that he made decades ago and I just have to find a way, any way to get over it and stop being so fucking scared to commit. But that doenst stop me from blogging about it and being mad about it but more importantly trying to commit.

So i was listening to this song and thats what triggered this post. So now, i’m wide awake but fuck me if i can do anything about it.

 

Is This Really The Edge?

For a long time I have been trying to find a way to articulate the thoughts in my head when it comes to defining what exactly it is that I think about. It’s such a mind fuck.

In very simple terms when is it that simple thoughts become dangerous? I mean, how can they be dangerous when they are just thoughts and nothing more? We think about INSANE things because no one can ever know what we are really thinking but when does it become so serious that thoughts turn into action. How is one supposed to stop themselves from thinking certain things before those very thoughts become actions?

Very recently I went through a very serious ordeal where I shared some of my most personal and private thoughts to my dear sister Eysha and she was beyond scared for me. She admitted to having sleepless nights because the worry was just too much. At the time – still not sure whether time has really changed my mindset – I brushed off her concern as her being a protective elder sister who was seriously paranoid because the world is turning to shit and she just needed some coke. But after sharing these thoughts with more and more people it dawned on me that people actually are concerned about me. 

For me at the end of the day what is going on in my head is just that, going on in my head. It will never become a reality. It will never even come close to that. That’s what worries me. Am i so far gone that I cant even realize that I am so close to the edge that I cant even see it? This is where i get lost (clearly because i am so obviously repeating myself), they are just THOUGHTS at the end of the day how can they be so bad? These thoughts are completely baseless. They have not been followed up or prompted by any actions what so ever so how can they possibly be so bad? At they end of the day they are my thoughts and its upto me to decide what I want to think about. Right? Fuck. I don’t know.

 

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My question to myself, and anyone else reading this – When do thoughts become so dangerous that someone needs to sound the alarm??