Musings of A Single Girl in A Relationship: Love is Simple

“I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love.”

Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington “Scandal”)

The most important thing that I’ve learnt from being in a healthy relationship is that this quote right here, is a big fat lie. Love is simple. At the end of the day, it is only a four letter word. You can still have the I-missed-you-all-day-even-though-I-saw-you-in-the-morning kind of sex, the passionate-wild-animal sex, and yet still the I-love-you-more-than-anything in the world sex. But it’s not just about the sex; it’s also about the emotions. Who in this world honestly enjoys things that are difficult, or devastating, or painful?? Who in this world wants to be angry, upset and depressed all the time because of the one that they love? Isn’t that completely contradictory to everything love stands for??

I don’t dispute that “devastating love” does exist, as I have firsthand experience.  This allows me to confidently say, that this love never lasts. One person cannot live through those negative feelings continuously. It’s just not humanly possible. In addition this love is often just a figment of our imagination. Despite all of the negative feelings that someone will go through during this devastating love, they will hold on as long as they can because they believe eventually it will amount for something. The sad truth is, once you go through all those negative emotions that something that you are hoping and praying for never comes. The negative emotions become part and parcel of the relationship. Who would want to be in a relationship with a black shadow cast on it? It just doesn’t make sense.

Love is simple in the sense that the person you love should be your best friend. They should be the person you run to in times of need; the first person you want to share good news with, love should not be complicated. Real love, is exactly that it’s real. It happens every day. It’s holding hands at the supermarket, spending a quiet night in watching a movie, crying on the phone about how big of an asshole your boss is. It’s not crying on the phone to your girlfriends about how big of a dick your boyfriend is, or waiting for him outside his place to see if he’s coming home with another girl, or going through his messages to see if he’s cheating.

Love is life-changing true because your life isn’t the same once that person cements themselves as a pillar of positivity in your life. They change the way you think, the way you act. Unintentionally, but still, you want to be the person you think is worthy of their love. That makes sense.

Love is life-changing, love is simple.

 

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Friendship Is Unconditional

BULLSHIT!!

Just because we’ve been friends for so long doesn’t give you the right to walk all over me and talk to me the way you want. Or worst still, completely take me for granted.

Yes I know we’ve grown up together, been through things that we thought would bind us together, but I can’t do this anymore. My self-respect will not allow it. I can’t love you unconditionally when it makes me question how much I love myself. We’re not even dating! Yet somehow you manage to evoke these thoughts in my mind.

And that’s not what friendship is supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be one-sided, it’s not supposed to continuously confrontational. If we have a problem we should talk about it, sort it.

Like any relationship of any kind, friendship is supposed to be give and take. For me to benefit from whatever this thing is you need to make me feel needed and I need to feel that I need you. Recently It has been the former, and I just can’t do it anymore. Whenever we are talking, it is because and about whatever you are going through. Where is the girl that held my hand as I walked away from my first love? Where is the girl who taught me that I need to stand up for myself? Where did she go? I even find myself asking what would she do with you if she was in my position.

I have fought and fought through all your layers to try and get the girl that I’ve always known back, but as hard as it is to admit it’s honestly like she has vanished into thin air. We’re just not “clicking” anymore. Anything I do to help you is wrong, even when it is what you had wanted. Have we both changed that much?

I know what you’re going through, a part of me understands. But that doesn’t allow you to treat me the way he does. That doesn’t allow you to make your problems a priority over mine. When you ask me “How are you?” how do you expect me to answer honestly when I know you don’t care?

I won’t give up, I’ll forever hope that the girl you once were comes back. I won’t give up hope. But I will give up constantly making you a priority when I’m nothing more than a punching bag, especially when the shadow of what you were is miles away. 

I love You Because…

You calm me.

Of the way you make the wrong thing sound like the right thing.

You’re really good at doing that bad thing.

You listen to the most random music!!!

Your smile makes all my problems go away.

Of all the shit you say when you’re drunk.

Of that face you make when you are about to kiss me.

You believe in me.

You have never given me a reason to doubt you.

Of how magical your hugs are.

You make the effort to get to know my family.

You are consistent.

What is important to me is important to you.

You are patient.

You are perfectly imperfect.

Of the way you look after your friends.

Of the way you get excited at the cutest things.

You entertain me.

I like the person I am when we’re together.

You are who you are.

Cheers to the only picture there is of us together.

Cheers to the only picture there is of us together.

Polygamy – The Good

It’s a common known fact by those who are close to me that I have a deep obsession with Lion king and more specifically Lions, today I discovered that the reason I am obsessed with Lions is because in a sub conscious way, it symbolizes polygamy in my mind. As I had this epiphany and shared it with the people around me many of them shuddered at the thought of being in my “situation.” What amazed me about this revelation is that I have always been against Polygamy and now making the positive connection between my family living and that of my obsessions with lions showed me that I am not really against this family setting at all.

To give those who don’t know or don’t understand how polygamy works it is where one man has more than one wife, in my situation which is governed by the law of Islam a man is given the limitation of up to four wives. My father has had seven wives in his lifetime but never more than four at the same time and currently is remaining with two. He has a program, he visits each house every single day and rotates the houses in which he sleeps and eats dinner in. I have a step mother and half siblings that are all important factions of my life, just as important as my “blood siblings.”

Why I was previously against this family setting I haven’t properly analysed and gotten to the root but what seems the most probable reason is the fact that I would see the way my colleagues live and often feel that “something was missing.” Seeing them, hearing them talk about having dinner every single night with their fathers made me feel that this was the way it was supposed to be and the way I had it was “abnormal.” Going even deeper into the root of my previous inclinations on the matter was the reaction I received once I shared this fact with other people. “How can you share your father?” “Do fight with your step siblings?” “Does your father love one wife more than he loves the other?”  “Do your mothers fight?” Partnered with looks of either disgust or pity these are the reactions and questions that I have encountered my whole life.

To say that living in a polygamous family doesn’t come without its challenges is a plain lie, but then again which family setting even the most “conventional” ones don’t come with challenges? I say that the conventional setting of one wife and one husband has its challenges because of the fact that although we would like to believe that finding a happy ending is only a matter of time after you’ve gotten married it is never that simple. Sharing your whole and complete life with another human being is no easy task even if you love this person and this person is your reason for living. The same problems that plague polygamous families of such as managing expenses, boredom, frustrations, in-laws, exes etc are all relevant in the lives of those who have conventional families.

The question that disturbs many people about this situation is that of why should a man have more than one wife be acceptable while a woman having more than one husband is not acceptable. For me it is simple a man is better placed to manage the situation better than a woman; that is, emotionally, sexually, economically and physically. Furthermore men majority of the time even those who are “faithfully” married normally -especially in this ever growing immoral society- have a mistress in a dark corner somewhere. Doesn’t it make sense to the wife to be open to her husband making it more official? So as to avoid the sleepless nights knowing where he is and questioning where a chunk of his salary went to? It makes sense to me.

What resonates with me in relation to the lions and the polygamous family is that the fundamentals are exactly the same. The lion, the head of the pride is no different from my father in their roles of leading the family and ensuring that everyone is taken care of. The lionesses that look after their head of the pack his offspring are no different from my step mother and my mother in their strength. I think this is where my love for lions comes from. My mothers do suffer sharing their husband as this is the way that females were built as well as the influence that society plays, this is an obvious fact but they are brave in letting their husbands openly share his life with another woman. For this reason I admire them more than mere words will ever be able to express. The lionesses look after cubs that are not their own as their own the same way my mothers do.

As with every kind of marriage it can only work if the people engaged in that marriage are in agreement about things and have a general understanding about how things are going to work. Marriage is a choice, so is polygamy. It’s that simple. People often ask me having been raised in this situation whether I would permit my husband to marry a second wife or to be married as a second wife? If a clear set of rules was set up as to how the whole thing would work the way it is with the lions, I can’t say that I would completely be opposed to the idea as I have witnessed the benefits. Let me be clear, this is very different from having a boyfriend that has more than one girlfriend let us be sure. So Macharia, do not get any funny ideas. 

Being Guarded – The New Black?

In my last post I mentioned that to be in a successful relationship you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Although I have often reiterated that vulnerability is beautiful, this is a lot easier said then done. Being vulnerable is basically cutting out your heart, giving it to someone else and hoping for the best. You can get shit like most people do. Or you can get a diamond in the rough who “makes you believe in love again.”

If you’ve been through the first scenario where you love someone and the take your feelings put them in an oven, bake them to get them all nice and crisp, and then stomp on top of them to break them into tiny little pieces and then just for fun throw what’s left in the dustbin. Obviously after going through this horrendous ordeal it makes it difficult to even attempt to do it all over again. Anyone who knows what I’m talking about knows at this point you are angry with the world and you just want to take it out on everybody. So you start whoring yourself out and hoping that this is somehow going to make everything better. But obviously it doesn’t. It only makes you feel worse about yourself. And then you get even more bitter and angry with the world. Tough times.

After realizing your horrible strategy is not working you stop all this foolishness and start behaving in a way that your mother would be proud of. Only to meet some idiot (Read Macharia Maruvu) who just arrives in your life all perfect and polite, with all this genuine caring for you and shit. To make matters worse this idiot is hell bent on making you fall in love with him which could potentially start the process all over again. The most rational thing to do is to protect yourself from this different kind of evil. I mean how are you supposed to know that this idiot is different from the previous one and in some cases the one before that? At this point even admitting to yourself that you have feelings for this twat is beyond impossible!! Like just, how can this even be happening? Especially in these sad times when having three different girls or even guys in one weekend is considered admirable. Getting over this fear can take a lot more time then you think. Even once you’re in the relationship it takes a whole lot of courage to get over the fear of risking getting your heart broken all over again. Not necessarily for everyone goes through this, but I did. Luckily my stupid idiot hung around long enough for me to try again and I am the happiest I have ever been.

So for those who are walking around in all black i beseech you to forget the fashion craze going around, put on that bright pink dress (or shirt for men) and hope for the best!! As cliche as it sounds you have to just try!! After all you have been through it before so why not give it another try? Plus this time you know you have first experience so you’ll see the bad signs and you’ll know when to move in the opposite direction. How are you supposed to find a Macharia Maruvu when you don’t try? 

Things My Ex Taught Me

The other day a trending topic as I was browsing through twitter, one of the trending topics was #ThingsMyExTaughtMe. I was quick to put up my experience, well as much of my experience as I could fit in 140 characters. Whenever i am engaged in a conversation that involves the talk of ex’s I never let it go unsaid about how much I learned from that boy. But come to think about it in more detail, what did I really learn? And have I used my “knowledge” to better the relationships I have had ever since?

1) Be Brave – I am a pure traditionalist and I believe this “21st Century Girl” nonsense has been taken a bit too far. For a woman once you have feelings for a guy you must let these feelings be known. You could argue it out that any guy who is a prisoner to his dick and has half a brain is more likely then not to take advantage of the situation and get as much as he can out of you physically, or even that he may toy with you the way boys of today’s generation find so enjoyable. But at the end of the day its probably going to happen any way. And this way if you allow yourself to be vulnerable it could go either way. For all we know the guy in question could have genuine feelings for you but he thinks your in for a good time or your revelation could tip things in your favor. Plus what is the worst thing that can happen at the end of the day? So what if he hurts you?? You were who you are at the end of the day before he came along. It may take a while to get back to that person after he does his damage but it is not impossible. No human being is that powerful. Knowing you made your feelings clear will be self-gratifying at some point during the recovery process. Knowing that you did all you could will count for something.

2) Love Yourself Before You Attempt To Make Anyone Love You – As cliche at this sounds I would give a leg and an arm to go back in time and have this advice given to me before I went through everything I went through with my Ex. How can you expect someone to completely love you (which I am assuming is the general reason we enter into relationships…) when you don’t know who you is? I’m not saying that you have to have all your goals and all your morals written down in some notebook that you go home and revise every night. But just be prepared to put yourself first. You can love your respective partner but they wont respect you if you don’t respect yourself. You may want to make them happy by simply giving them what they want or what you think they want but that could lead to some dire consequences and some long term effects to the relationship. Women are constantly complaining about how they like this guy yet he’s paying more attention to some other chick, “What does she have that I don’t?” ” What is he getting from her that he can’t get from me?” I know I have asked myself these questions so many times I’ve lost count. Stop focusing on her and focus on who you are. After all its highly likely that the dickhead in question has gone there because her legs are wider then the internet.

3) Grow The Fuck Up – When feelings are involved, it’s not a game anymore and you need to stop pretending like it is one. So many couples don’t last because people forget that shit just got real. Don’t try and get back at you respective partner simply because they upset or hurt you in some way. Like just fucking communicate. It’s probable that the person didn’t even realize what that they had done something wrong. You going and doing something worse is not going to make the situation better in anyway. You want the person to hurt the way you are hurting but two people in a relationship who are hurting does not make a happy couple. If this person continues to do this wrong thing no matter how small knowing that it hurts you or upsets you then they need to grow the fuck up and you need to change your facebook status to single.

Hopefully the little “knowledge I’ve put on here has helped someone somewhere. I know it’s made me feel good seeing it in words and not just hearing it in my head.

Wide Awake!!

I am not a happer sailer today. In any sense.

Not that anything special happened. I just in the practical sense “woke up.”

A very very very long time ago I was with some guy. I loved him. Very much. Even saying very much doesnt begin to describe the way i felt about him. He didnt exactly cheat on me. Asin he had a girlfriend that everyone knew about while i was the one he would go and see at night – read at the back of the bus and neighbourhood roads – when no was looking. I’m not going to go into details of how exactly all this happened, or why it happened or any of that nonsense. Maybe some other day.
I came here to ask him and any other man that has/is cheating on their significant others WHY? Like do you realize what the fuck you are doing? Not that I am not over this guy, (despite what some of you think), I am. I wish him and his girlfriend especially the girlfriend the best in life. It’s just that to this day i am shit at relationships. Complete shit. The guy always leaves me because i dont put enough work into the relationship or because i dont know how not to act single; because for so long that was my mentality. I was constantly looking for the ever so elusive “something better” that is has just become etched into my approach towards relationships.. As hard as that is to admit, facts are facts.

This is what makes me mad. Because even though I am not the same person i was at the time of the spoken event and i have no feelings for this guy, i still havent fully gotten over it – clearly. Everytime i feel myslef actually giving a fuck about some guy i go runng for the hills like i have been told Al-Shabab is in the area. I am partly mad at myslef for allowing this to happen time and time again but its like shit is just fucking sub-conscious. I find myslef making up stupid excuses as to why i should hold back or engaging in things with other men that i very well know that my boyfriend will not approve of. Why? Because i dont want it to become all to real. I cant handle it. I cant go through what i went through all over again. I know that not all guys are like this one guy, i have had the honour of meeting wonderful wonderful men who want nothing more then to make me happy. But still something inside me tells me no.

All the while this guy is living his life like there is no tomorrow and i am sorry to sound like a concieted girl in high school but SHIT IS NOT FAIR!! Why does he get away with nothing while i could possibly be alone for the rest of my life??? Why does he get to love so openly with no restrictions or limitations that I have to deal with everytime i have that “i actually like this guy” moment?

At the end of the day I guess nothing can be done to even it out. I wouldnt wish this on him. He shouldnt be punished for mistakes that he made decades ago and I just have to find a way, any way to get over it and stop being so fucking scared to commit. But that doenst stop me from blogging about it and being mad about it but more importantly trying to commit.

So i was listening to this song and thats what triggered this post. So now, i’m wide awake but fuck me if i can do anything about it.