This Is Me – A Whole Bunch of Feelings

I often speak about being vulnerable and the beauty of it. How no one can really hurt you when you allow yourself to be vulnerable because you’ve already put all your cards on the table, on your terms. At that point because you’ve already given all you can give, no one can take anything away from you.

I often speak of it, but when it comes to my own little reality I seldom practice it. One of my biggest fears is letting people I care about a lot, people I admire look down at me. This has lead to me keeping so much locked up inside which then leads to me having random inappropriate out bursts. It’s a well known fact how I don’t think before I speak, but these days when it comes to people I care about sometimes it’s difficult for me to comprehend the words that are coming out of my mouth.

It’s because I care so much about what these people think, and I don’t want to upset them. I wouldn’t dare. This again is as a result of the fact that in the past in situations where I have let myself be vulnerable this has lead to the people I imagined “cared” about me becoming less and less active in my life.

What I’m learning about in this current stage in my life it takes great strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but it doesn’t end there. You have to partner it with restraint and communication. Just because you have just dumped a bunch of feelings on someone doesn’t allow you to be irrational about their response; people are different, some require more time to process while others don’t. Another thing that can affect how someone responds is the way and the time you tell them. You have to restrain yourself from saying or doing things that will make you vulnerable while someone has other shit going on, timing is everything. Lastly communication. With being vulnerable you have to let whoever know what your expectations are so that you don’t get disappointed and crash your car into a tree over-thinking shit.

I still believe that with vulnerability comes beauty but I’m learning that you need to add a bit of make-up before it can be perfect. 

Musings of A Single Girl In A Relationship: Healing From Heartbreak

People know I’m in a serious relationship and after my last post (http://wp.me/p2dJgI-42), many asked why? Why the tittle? The boyfriend didn’t though. 

Should I be worried??

Anyway…

The reason behind this title is because of the fact that for so long due to long list of reasons I was always looking for that something better. When this relationship became serious, I held on to some of my characteristics that defined me as a singleton. That is mainly that I am still my own independent person and that under ZERO circumstances should I let my relationship define me or any other aspect of my life. This is a major mistake that people make when entering into a serious relationship; I am totally guilty of this in my past….whatever that was. I personally now believe there should be a fine line between loving someone or making them a priority and loving said person more than yourself or making them your whole life.

But I digress….

After going through all the pain of giving yourself to another human being so completely especially for the first time and having all of that returned to sender with a big fat label “worthless” on top of it, how do you get from there to where I am now?

After I finally accepted that it was over I put myself out there! I was ready to give any guy who has interested five minutes of my time hoping, secretly praying that this one or the next one would somehow heel me and make all the pain from that worthless label disappear. I was that girl who was at every party, every social event always with a drink in my hand; hoping to seem approachable enough to attract someone who might be the cure to all my hurt.

MAJOR FAIL!!!

Because of this new “attitude” that I had adopted I ended up doing one or two things that I regretted; I end up letting in some more assholes that were not interested in healing anything and were simply looking for a quick lay; I ended up leading genuinely interested good guys on (the worst thing a woman can ever do!). The problem was that I was trying to replace this person who had hurt me with someone else. The truth is once you truly love someone that person is irreplaceable. They take a piece of you with them when they leave. Imagine yourself as a big cake. Imagine this person cuts a piece and takes off. You can’t go find another bakery to reinstate that piece. It’s gone.

This is why people are always comparing their current relationships to their former ones. Fact is they will never be the same. When you’ve experienced so many things with one person, shared so many memories you cannot expect someone new to even attempt to compete with that the minute you start dating.

But there is a positive side! 🙂 

You now consciously know that when you are with one person and you are still thinking about someone else or comparing the two, you are not quite there yet. Once I realized that I will never be able to replace this person I stopped trying. I started using my head when it came to deciding who I should or should not go on a date with. I started differentiating those who had a genuine interest in me and those who had a genuine interest in the sacred temple that is between my legs. And from there I was easily able to tell who was the right person to make myself vulnerable to and when.

That is how I am, where I am in my relationship.

Clap for me! I didn’t use Scandal to make a point!!